The Difference Between Normal Regret and OCD Regret

Why is it that things we did months or years ago come back and make our stomach drop? That thing you can't stop replaying in your mind over and over, even though you know it probably doesn't matter. The one that makes you wonder: "Am I secretly a terrible person because of this?"

What if I told you that the replaying of this memory over and over is often the real problem, not the thing you actually did? Sometimes what feels like proof that you screwed up is really just your brain stuck in a loop.

Let's explore the difference between normal regret and OCD regret, the trap that keeps you stuck, and simple steps you can try today.

How Normal Regret Is Supposed to Work

We're designed to feel regret when we've done something we probably shouldn't have done. We feel bad for a little bit, hopefully learn from the experience, and then move on. That's healthy regret.

"Oh, bummer. Shouldn't have done that. What can I learn from it? Do I need to apologize to this person? Do I need to make this wrong right?"

Once you've done what you can, you move forward. That regret propels you to say, "Don't do that again next time."

When Regret Gets Stuck on Repeat

But with OCD, regret often gets stuck on repeat. There's no off switch. It's like your brain is searching for proof that you're not a terrible person by giving you constant regret or guilt.

"If I continue to give you this regret, you'll keep thinking about me. Even though you already asked for forgiveness, even though you've thought about it day after day for the last 7 years, I'm still going to bring you this regret and shame."

But regret is for moments where we did something wrong that we need to fix. What we're not supposed to do is replay those moments endlessly, trying to search for proof that we're a good person.

Real Event OCD and Responsibility OCD: A Common Combination

I often see real event OCD and responsibility OCD together. Real event OCD is like "I did something in my past. I don't like it. I wish I didn't." There's that regret - and we all have those moments, big and small.

With responsibility OCD following along, it could be something as small as: "I put my leg out and tripped someone running 15 years ago. They got a bloody nose. But now I'm thinking about how that person might have needed reconstructive surgery because I never saw them again, and it destroyed their life because they couldn't get married since nobody thought they were beautiful."

The brain can just keep going and going. But you're living life right now. We can't always fix everything we want to fix.

Five Mechanisms That Keep You Trapped

1. Inflated Responsibility

Everything feels like your fault, even the smallest things that probably have nothing to do with you.

"I didn't pick this up off the ground. Someone's going to trip on it. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. But it's my responsibility because I saw it and had the thought 'you should pick it up' but didn't."

But we all have moments where we have thoughts like "I should probably tell my kid to wear certain shoes to this event" but don't do it because we're busy and tired. When they get there and need closed-toe shoes for rock climbing, we might think "I had the thought, I knew it."

But if we truly knew it for sure, we would have done it. We're not responsible for everything.

2. Memory Checking and Replaying

"I need to know every detail. I need to replay it and check in my mind. What was their facial expression? Their tone of voice? I hope everything's okay."

You want to feel better, and your brain thinks if you just keep thinking about it, you'll work it out eventually. With OCD, this doesn't often happen - it just gets people stuck further.

3. Searching for Evidence of Wrongdoing

Even when maybe there's none. "This person left the event looking really angry. It was probably something I said" or "I actually did say something mean and I cannot get past it."

4. Threat Overstimulation

Your brain screams "There's danger!" and tells you to keep thinking about it, go apologize, figure it out, ask for reassurance. When you're feeling anxiety about past thoughts, your brain says you're overstimulated and need to figure this out.

Tiny mistakes can feel catastrophic.

5. Difficulty Accepting "Maybe"

You have a hard time accepting uncertainty. "I don't know if I caused this problem. I don't know if people think I'm a bad person. I don't know."

As we've figured out, the more we try to think about whether we're a bad or good person, the more it reinforces the cycle of compulsions.

Addressing the "But Mine Was Really Bad" Concern

I know sometimes people say, "Okay, but you're talking about someone tripping someone. My thing was horrible. I did something really bad. My family member won't talk to me anymore."

Here's the deal: we've all gone through things in our past we regret. That's what this is about - learn from the experience.

Take a moment and write it down:

• I learned I'm not the kind of person who wants to be like that
• I'm the kind of person who gives others grace - I need to give myself grace
• I'm learning I have some anger issues, and I won't just say I won't do it again - I'll learn from this experience
• I've learned that living life right now is more important

What are you going to do right now? Go to your kid's soccer game. Play that video game you want to play. Do some Legos. That's life right now. Regret's in the past. Life is right now.

How to Know if It's OCD Regret

Here's what to look for - keep it simple:

• You can't stop thinking about it
• It keeps coming back
• It's causing anxiety
• You find yourself avoiding certain things because you don't want to feel distress
• You don't want the thoughts to come back

Using Exposure and Response Prevention

For these situations, we create exposures using ERP. Here are two approaches:

Method 1: Write the Actual Scenario

Write a script with exactly how the moment happened in the past, and respond differently to it. If there are uncertainties, say "Yeah, maybe. Cool. That experience happened. Amazing. Great. Awesome." Even if it's something bad you did - "Cool, it happened."

Method 2: Worst Case Scenario

Write out the worst-case scenario, looking at the core meaning:

• "This past experience means I'm a bad person"
• "Means I'm never going to get married"
• "Means I can't go to college"
• "I'm going to feel this distress forever"

Then write a story making all those things happen, giving a different response: "I hope that happens. So cool. Hope I never go to college. Hope God's disappointed in me. Amazing."

Words are just words - they don't mean anything unless we give them meaning.

Simple Technique: Just Sit With It

Next time a thought comes about this past experience and regret, just let it be there. Don't do anything about it. Sit there, put your legs up, put a big smile on like "Oh yeah, there's that memory. I'm not going to figure it out."

Maybe set a timer and think about it for 5 minutes. If you want to go, you can go. If you want to stay, you can stay. Let it be there.

The Compassion Test

Ask yourself: If someone came to me and told me the same situation I'm experiencing, would I say "You need to keep thinking about this every day of your life. You need to keep feeling anxious about it. That was 15 years ago, but you need to keep feeling anxious"?

No, you probably wouldn't say that to someone else. Give yourself more grace.

Example Exposure Script

Here's an example script you might write:

"I said something in the meeting that upset my coworker. They said I'm careless in front of everybody. I can't fix it, and I have to live with knowing they'll probably never forgive me. Maybe. I don't know."

Read that story over and over, saying "Maybe I did embarrass myself. Cool. Maybe I'll lose my job. I don't know. We'll see. What am I doing right now though? Oh, I'm playing video games. I'm watching a show."

Finding Gratitude in Mistakes

This sounds weird, but we can be grateful for experiences in life, big or small. If I didn't have this experience, I wouldn't know that maybe I wouldn't do this in the future, or maybe that I'm just human.

We're all human. People aren't walking around telling about all the mistakes they make, so we can feel very isolated in the ones we're making.

Moving Forward

Regret and guilt are natural feelings. But I treat regret as a false signal when it's about something that happened so long ago that you need to move on.

I know it's not easy to just "move on," but we have to train the brain to move on through exposures.

Your life is here right now. Live life. Figure out what you value and care about. Go do those things. Make more mistakes. Be grateful for the ones you made in your past - you learned from them.

Your job is to take power and value away from past regret. You can still feel regret - you're just going to change the way you respond to it.