How to Sit With Anxiety

Everyone wants anxiety gone fast, like right now. But anxiety doesn't work that way. When people with OCD or anxiety hear "you just got to sit with it," it sounds like a joke.

I think about sitting with anxiety as a candle. We just got to let it burn out. Because the biggest mistake that we make is trying to blow out the flame. We've got to check. We're thinking about it. We're ruminating. "How can I get this to go away?"

I think of it like a trick candle. You blow it out and it just comes right back. And you blow it out again. Maybe it's even stronger this time. "Oh yeah, I did it wrong. Let me do it again." And it comes right back.

By the end of this article, you'll know how to let anxiety die out naturally, what it actually looks like in real life, and I'm going to give you some tips along the way.

The Candle Analogy: Understanding Anxiety

Okay, stick with me with this candle because anxiety is a lot like it. Once it's lit, it's going to burn for a while. There's heat, there's light, there's the urge to do something about it.

And if you've ever been to a birthday party, the second someone lights a candle, almost everyone in that room is probably looking at it thinking, "I gotta blow it out. I gotta blow it out. I gotta blow it out." That flame is like that anxiety. Once it's there, we want to get it to go away.

How We Keep the Flame Going

If you think about it, maybe you send a harmless email and immediately reread it eight times. You're scared it sounded rude. "How are they going to take this? Do I need to rewrite it?" Or you replay a conversation because you might have said something offensive. Maybe you silently repeat a good thought to cancel out a bad one.

Each of these reactions feels like you're so in control. You got this. But we're keeping that flame going. It's not just psychological—it's behavioral learning.

ERP: Exposure and Response Prevention

We use something called ERP—Exposure and Response Prevention. And this is what it looks like. It teaches you to sit with anxiety without performing these little air puffs to get the flame out. Essentially, it teaches you to do nothing when you're feeling anxious.

The alarm is going off and you don't have to react to it. You can't think your way out of it. You can't do something else to make it go away. It has to go on its own.

You got the analogy. I've heard it on other videos when I do an analogy—"Yeah, Nate, we get it. So what do I do about it?" Well, guess what?

The 3-Step Process for Sitting With Anxiety

Step 1: Notice It First

Notice that spike of anxiety. "Okay, yeah. My brain says maybe I offended them. Maybe something bad's going to happen. Maybe I'm this thing. My brain says I'm bad. I am. I don't know."

Instead of jumping to the story, trying to figure it all out, maybe you say, "Hey, I'm noticing a feeling right now. I'm noticing feeling anxious. I am just trying to observe what's happening in the moment. Yeah, the flames are around me. I'm anxious. Yeah, cool. Amazing. I'm just sitting with it. So I'm going to observe."

Step 2: Name the Urge

Maybe I name the urge. I feel driven to recheck this thing, to Google, to reassure myself, to apologize, read my journal one more time to make sure I didn't really do that thing, see if I'm still breathing, pray that one more time—just name it.

"I feel the urge to fix this."

Because often, once we see the urge for what we want to do and we say it even out loud, it actually kind of takes some of that power away.

Step 3: Hold Steady

Don't act on the urge. Oh yeah, simple, Nate. Don't act on the urge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know. It's not that simple. We sit with the discomfort.

You're sitting there. So what are you going to do during that time? I know we talked about sitting with anxiety. Sitting with it doesn't mean you're literally just like this: "I'm just sitting. I'm just sitting. Yep, I'm just sitting." No, I mean, you could, I guess, if you really want to.

What Sitting With Anxiety Actually Means

Sitting with anxiety means I am noticing a feeling. I'm going to observe it. I'm going to name it out loud. I'm going to notice the urge I want to do. I'm not going to do it. And my brain's going to throw out all these reasons why you should, and you're dangerous, and blah blah blah.

And I'm going to use phrases like "maybe, maybe not." I'm going to say, "I don't know, maybe, sure." Give a lot of uncertainty phrases because my brain does not like that. It wants me to know for sure. Maybe I really want to take that power away.

Agreeing With the Threat

So I'm going to agree with the threat. "Yeah, man. Totally. I sure hope I get sick today. That'd be amazing. Yep. I hope this email really offends somebody. That would—oh man—losing my job. Sweet. Totally ruined my family. Awesome. That would be so great."

It's not to get this anxiety to go away, but it's to sit with the feeling without doing the compulsion.

Bring Anxiety Along With You

Often, sitting with it means that I'm just going to keep moving on through life and go do the things that I was going to do. So bring anxiety along with you. Don't wait for the moments for anxiety to go away. You do the things you want to do now.

How Long Does the Candle Take to Burn Out?

Candle—oh dang it, I brought up the candle. How long does it take for a candle to go from the top all the way to the bottom? I actually don't know. Maybe we should test it out. Does anyone know?

But you just let that candle go. You could stare at it and you could just wait. You could just wait. See the candle wax slowly dying out, dying out, dying out. But that's painful. You don't have to sit there and just wait. Do something. Go live life.

Recognizing When It's OCD or Anxiety

You know that if you're feeling the same anxiety with the same threat day after day after day after day, that something's happening. And that something happening is most likely either OCD-related or anxiety that's there that's like "you got to solve this," but there's nothing to solve. So we've got to let it go.

Once that candle dies, flame's gone. Doesn't mean you're going to 100% feel great and wonderful and never have to think about this again, but you just taught your brain something really important. "Look at me now. I'm going to do that again next time."

That anxiety—however long it takes for that candle to go down—is not going to take the same amount of time next time.

The Natural Curve of Anxiety

Okay, I know I'm making it sound easy, but that's how you do it. The anxiety rises, it peaks, and it will fall every time. But if you interrupt that natural curve with a compulsion to check, figure it out, all that stuff, it restarts it. We've got to ride it out.

Making a Commitment

And you almost have to make a commitment for yourself. If I'm feeling anxious about this thing—whether I left the stove on, whether I'm a bad person, whether I don't know who I am, whatever—I don't know. I've made a commitment to not figure this out anymore.

So the thought comes up and you're saying, "That's not my thing. I'm not doing that. That's not me. I'm sorry." Remember: that's not my thing. "I'm going to go to work. I'm going to go play with my dog. That is my thing."

Because if I'm teetering and I'm saying, "Sometimes I'll figure it out. Sometimes I won't. Sometimes I will," more times than not, you're probably going to lean onto the side of "figure this out."

Final Thoughts

I know this is a tough process—sitting with your anxiety. Yay, how fun. And there's a lot more that goes along with it.

When that flame rises, just remember your brain's testing an alarm system. It's going to see if you're going to react to it. Don't react. Almost smile and laugh that it just gave you this alarm and you're like, "That's funny. Thanks for that one."

I love that phrase: "Thanks for that. Cool. Appreciate you being here."

The anxiety will burn out on its own. You just have to let it.