The Fear of Being Gay: An Examination of Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
You're with your partner and a thought pops in: "what if I'm gay?" Now you're watching every feeling, and it's hard to be in the moment. This page is about how gay OCD shows up in everyday life, and the ERP exercises that help.
By Nathan Peterson, LCSW, OCD therapistWhat is gay OCD?
Gay OCD is another name for HOCD, or homosexual OCD. It's a type of OCD where the obsessions are doubts about your sexual orientation, and the compulsions are ways of trying to be sure. It can happen to people of any orientation. For the full overview, see HOCD: everything you need to know.
How gay OCD shows up in everyday life
- In relationships: checking your attraction to your partner, comparing it to past relationships, or feeling like you're lying to them
- With friends: watching how you feel around same-sex friends, or pulling away from them
- Online: taking "am I gay" quizzes, reading coming-out stories to see if they match yours
- With media: avoiding shows or songs with same-sex couples, or watching them to test yourself
- At the gym or locker room: avoiding it, or keeping your eyes down and checking how you felt after
- In your head: replaying memories and crushes for clues, or arguing with the thought
ERP ideas for gay OCD
The treatment with the most research behind it for OCD is exposure and response prevention, or ERP. You practice letting the doubt be there and skipping the checking. Some exposures to try, easiest first:
- Say "maybe I'm gay, maybe I'm not" out loud and go on with your day
- Stop taking quizzes and reading forums for answers
- Watch a show with a same-sex couple without checking how you feel
- Spend time with a same-sex friend and skip the mental review afterward
- Let an intrusive thought sit there without arguing with it
I know, watching that show on purpose sounds like the opposite of what you should do. Avoiding it is what keeps the doubt in charge.
The goal isn't to prove your orientation one way or the other. It's to stop needing an answer.
Talking to your partner
Telling your partner is up to you, and it often helps. If you do, explain that it's OCD, and ask them not to answer the "but what if" questions for you. Their job is to support you, not to reassure you. Something like "that sounds like the OCD, I'm here" goes a lot further than "you're definitely straight."
Pick the easiest item on the ERP list above and try it this week. Notice the urge to check afterward and let it sit there. (Yes, your brain will call it a test. Don't grade it.)
If you want help building the whole plan, that's what Master Your OCD is for.
Common questions about gay OCD
Should I tell my partner about my gay OCD?
That's up to you, and it often helps. If you do, explain that it's OCD, and ask them not to answer the "but what if" questions for you. Their job is to support you, not to reassure you.
Is it gay OCD or internalized homophobia?
They can look alike from the outside, and some people have both. Gay OCD is driven by doubt and the need to be certain, and it comes with checking and reassurance. A therapist who treats OCD can help sort out what's going on.
Can gay OCD make me feel less attracted to my partner?
It can feel that way. When you're constantly checking your attraction, the checking itself can make feelings seem flat or confusing. That usually eases up as the checking stops.
